You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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