I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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