they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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