Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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