You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
