How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
