The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
