tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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