he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
