He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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