We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
