Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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