She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
