apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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