My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Randomize
