new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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