I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
