i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
