Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
