I just threw up on my dentist
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
