put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
