its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
