i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
