I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
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