You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
