Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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