I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
