I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
There's even glitter on my cock...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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