New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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