I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
