My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
