Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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