sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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