My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
