he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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