I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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