Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
