He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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