VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
