I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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