chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
