I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
