i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
