I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
