My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
YAS. BRING CRAB.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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