you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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