I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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