Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Your dad touched me again.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
