Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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