I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
