Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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