im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Randomize
