I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
