I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
