also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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