I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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