Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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