He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
