I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
